My grief

For friends who have known me long enough, they would know how much this blog has helped me in retaining my sanity.

I love sharing my days, my happiness, my sadness, my online shopping experience with friends and foe's alike. I take criticism in whatever way both my friends and foes would like to dish it, although I must say that I won't take it lying down la kan...

I once resolved to never ever make this blog private...and was once talked out of it by a friend when i did go down that line after a misunderstanding...

But I supposed, one of my posts titled 'A Spade is a Spade After All' pushed the mark too far and I offended the relatives in my posts who then attacked my dad, saying things like me being 'biadap' and that he 'tak pandai ajar anak'.

I do not regret writing what I wrote, because it was all true. But I do regret being too harsh in the language used... resulting in my dad getting all these demeaning smses from my uncles. Like that post which I wrote, the family crisis between my family and the rest of my uncles have been long ongoing because of my aunt. But now, I have just made it worse... 

They say 'Mentang-mentang le dah keje besar...' and I reflect and think, could what they say be true?

I have always been brought up to tell the truth, address issues and bring it out in the open and resolve it, and my dad had always told me to do it without fear and favour... does that make me biadap? Honestly, I dont know... 

Today was an especially difficult day for me... I feel lost, like the very principles which I have steadfastly held on to holds no meaning when it comes to my relatives...

I feel lost because I have gotten my father, the nicest man on earth... into trouble.

I feel lost because with a heavy heart, I had to make a decision to make this blog private so I can continue to keep this sacred space of mine ...well... mine. 

What's worse is...those relatives are now emphasising on HOW I wrote the post, instead of WHAT I wrote..and I have a sinking feeling that things will not get better for my grandmother at all, because the issue of whether she is well taken care off is NOT as interesting or as juicy for them compared to the issue of how rude and biadap I was..

I realise that my youth and foolish belief in thinking that I can change the world has done nothing more than hurt those that I love the most...

The grief grips me...

I am inconsolable at the moment.

Ayah, maafkan anakmu ini...