A wake up call

Yesterday Airiel had a fever..

Nenda was home by lunch..

So was Bonda..

Atuk..memang tak leave the house langsung..sayangkan cucu..

But I was in the office and left around 7.00 which is considered early already..

and only reached home around 8.30

The fact of the matter is this..I am not around Airiel that much..

And Nenda made a remark which kicked me in the gut..

I sat down on a corner of the floor and cried my eyes out..

The gist of what she says was this: -

Airiel is my son, and all he has is his mother. His father is for all intents and purposes is absent from his life..because 1 and 1/2 days on the weekend does not count for anything at all..

And she is right..

What does that make me? I am the mother..but I also need to be the father.. but where the hell am I 12 hours in a day? The office..

I must have my priorities all wrong..that must be the only answer

And Nenda says I need to think about it seriously...because the moments I have lost with Airiel, I can never regain..

Again, she is right..

But the nature of my work is as such, private practice is exhausting..and we have deadlines imposed by the court which we cannot push back..

Explaining this does no one any good... and changes nothing..

I for one, do know how you cannot make up for lost time with someone so pivotal in your life...and once the opportunity is lost..it is lost forever.

I can't be a mother and father at the same time..I think it is too much to be asked of me... it is not a choice I am faced with here. I am out of options. It is a responsibility that I have to shoulder.

So I'll take it on a day to day basis.. and stand the criticisms that anyone throws at me..

I am not a bad mother, and I try my best..and that's all I can do..I hope when Airiel can read, he will read this one day and understand..

"YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU REALLY ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY OPTION YOU HAVE"

Airiel, mama loves you.. don't you ever forget that