My beloved Akif - 3 years on

"This is a love story. I never knew there were so many kinds of love or that love could make people do so many things. I never knew there were so many different ways to say goodbye..." ~ Maggie Stiefvater

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Yesterday, my angel Akif would have been 3, had he been here with me and Airiel.

I share the chronicles of my struggle so that mothers who have lost their child, either due to hydrops or in any other way, know that they are not alone. 

I tell this story so that all mothers know that as mothers you can bleed with all that gaping wound the child you lost have left in his/her wake, but also in that grief and pain you bleed, you can bleed love and grace.

I am much much better 3 years on. Most days I function great. Being busy does really help. And I think its important that as mothers/fathers who are struggling from the loss of their child busy themselves.

It is more of the triggers that usually get to me, like that sofa seat in Dr. Cafe in Citta Mall facing the window where I would always sit at in the mornings (having been away from work for 4 months) counting heartbeats to make sure that Akif was alive for another day. Like that white honda car (Stevie, I call it) which I drove to the hospital with Nenda in the passenger seat and Airiel on her lap, she was crying all the way to the hospital. I sold the car after that, I just couldn't bear the flashbacks. Like that moment, half awake in surgery I knew the doctors took Akif out of me and I could not hear a cry. Like when I see another baby wearing that exact baby shirt I bought for him which I eventually gave away. Like when I accidentally see one of my flowy tops I kept in my closet which I would wear all the time while I was carrying him (3 years on and I still can't bear throwing it out, sigh - will do it soon). Like that moment when Bonda told me that Atok carried Akif on his lap all the way to the cemetery. Like the moment I got discharged from the hospital and they gave me Akif's dead body tag, morgue tag and his post-natal ICU ward tag which they put on him while he was fighting for his life.

The list is endless..

So I will be going about my normal day, and I would see certain things that triggers the memory and everything will play out like a 3D movie screening, and I would be reeling from it. It feels like a stab sometimes, most times like a punch to the chest, where you have all the wind knocked out of you. Yes, pretty much like that.

I do not know the 5 stages of grief, or where I am at with it, or whether I would ever be out of it. I do not know what is normal or considered normal. This is my normal, and I am happy with that. 

I realise that family support is extremely important, but while it helps, only I can deal with my grief and help myself out of it. My family have thankfully and mercifully (I might add), left me alone to deal at the times they know I am not up to being pleasant. Sometimes I forget that while I have lost a son, Bonda has lost her nephew, that Nenda and Atok have lost their grandson, that I suffer yes, but so do they, and they feel a pain which I know not of. 

The recovery is ongoing, but I am thankful for what I do have (on most days).

Deep down in my heart I have a regret that all mothers have, that wish that there was something more they could have done, that maybe if I tried harder, I could have saved him, that maybe if I did something different, things would not turn out the way it did. I am only human, sigh.

Some pain and experiences in our lives dulls us, numbs us. But Akif, he CHANGED me. And I was never the same since.

You made me strong angel child. You made me understand how it feels to yearn for someone, how to fight for something you believe in. You made me understand the power and will within us, and that there are powers which are beyond. You made me understand hope. You made me understand pain and overcome it. You made me understand...

You made me understand love, and how sometimes to love means to let go.

And I love you so. And so I let you go.

Follow Akif's journey here.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.

Capri by Fraser, Bangsar South

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone..." 

~ Blaise Pascal

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Most Merciful.

This is a weekie update.

It is kind of a late one since it happened last year.

Anyways, the family decided to stay in this lovely hidden apart-hotel ish place in Bangsar South (Kerinchi, to be exact).

Pics are below:-

 Lobby, pathways, decor was tasteful and simple.

As usual, my room is always the latest to be ready. I did not mind as I was attending a judging gig in a local University nearby. But I was ecstatic to find out  that because of the delay,  the hotel decided to give me an upgrade. I got myself a 3 BEDROOM SUITE. *gasp*

 I had a full size kitchen, with all the trimmings, a huge wardrobe out in the hallway, a living room and a dining table all to myself and my little Airiel.

 There were 3 bedrooms, 1 containing a single bed and a little office nook, and the remaining 2 had queen sized beds. Wehooo.

There were 2 bathrooms, the master ensuite had of course a huge bathtub..!!

Pros:-

Honestly, I loved everything about this place. Check in maybe a bit slow but there was a slew of people there and about 2 working check in counters. Heck, it was the Christmas season so I can let that one go.

The staff was friendly, helpful and genuinely seem to want to please you.

The wifi was awesome and the rooms were spotlessly clean. 

Parking was free and was spacious, so no complaints.

This place was also attached to sort of a mini mall, with plenty of eateries and pubs to chill.

Cons:-

 If I had any complaints, its only that the breakfast buffet place was a bit small for such a huge place and there was no valet at the hotel.

This is a must place to stay for those who are seeking a short getaway in the city.

2016 - Bring It!

"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional..." ~ Haruki Murakami

Hello Readers.

My New Year's Resolution for 2016?

THIS.

Let's kick ass, my little Padawan. Mama is with you...always.

Be with us, angel Akif and Aisha. Mama misses you both...

Let's do this readers. We are NOT what has happened to us. Or what was done to us. We are MORE.

Believe it. Live it.

Credits : -  JayismailPhotography (find him on instagram)

1. Silver Spoon, Solaris Dutamas; 2. Pastel, Solaris Dutamas; 3. Tuk Tuk, Solaris Dutamas; 4.Eat With Mune, Solaris Dutamas; 5. Two Sons Bistro; Solaris Dutamas; 6. BBQ Chicken, One City

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song over hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" ~ J.R.R Tolkien

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Merciful.

It is 2016! Wehheeee....

No rewind post for me for 2015 and all that crap about being a better person blah blah blah...I am determined to try and be less of an a*&hole this year and every year after that. Wakaka.

Anyway, this is massive foodie post. Might as well start with the most important things in life aka FOOD.

1. Silver Spoon, Solaris Dutamas

I have posted  about this restaurant before and I will post about it again. I have NEVER ordered a single bad dish from this place. It has awesome lunch sets, but NIN and I decided to go ala carte for the last working lunch of 2015 the other day. Sorry about the blurry pics. I am not a photographer and my hands were shaking because I was soooo hungry.

 

My starter, the escargot. Not the typical garlicky ones you find everywhere else and the smell of truffle oil was thoroughly intoxicating. Yummy

NIN's risotto. Again beautifully made and flavourful

My seafood paella. It took 20 mins to make and tasted like the sea...yummy. 

NIN's starter, scallops wrapped around beef bacon strips. The scallops just melted in my mouth and it had the saltiness of the beef bacon strips. Wow, just wow.

I honestly do not understand why people end up eating in Social instead of here, where the food is just excellent. Must do in 2016 for you guys - TRY this place out!

2. Pastel, Solaris Dutamas

Pastel took over from the shop previously known as Coffee Ritual, a place which I also adored and had to say goodbye to. They changed up the decor a bit and the menu now revolves around Korean inspired cafe dishes. NIN and I dropped by for an evening snack before continuing with work so I didn't order mains.

My definition of a snack = Coffee.  No complaints. Love the way it was presented.

 NIN's salmon pasta dish which I couldn't taste (I do not eat fish).

3. Tuk Tuk, Solaris Dutamas

Tuk Tuk is a new place located where Mee Jawa once stood, who have now officially closed down. It has a quirky, funky decor. Almost all the servers and cooks here are Thai, and barely speak English so you know the food is legit Thai food.

Cute right?

I mean its a Thai place, so of course I had to order the Thai Iced tea

Love all the colours and how they have decorated it with places in Thailand

My seafood mince basil dish. We usually find minced chicken basil in other shops. It was lovely, and seafood was fresh.

NIN's thai iced lemon tea

NIN's seafood fried rice. Which was also yummy. The egg is from my dish actually, because I am deadly afraid of runny egg yolks (Don't Ask).

This Prawn Sambal Petai was so awesomely spicy good. I have high pedas tolerance (like makan cili padi mcm ulam punya standard) and even then this blew my head off. But you just wanted more and more of it. Addictive.

A good thai place which you guys must try. All the dishes and drinks came up to about RM70ish though so it isn't entirely budget, but the food is good.

4. Eat with Mune, Solaris Dutamas

This is another place that stands where the old London Town was. It's sort of a healthy food place concept, where they have malay and western dishes with a healthy twist. Only I ate because NIN had already eaten after court.

I ordered Nasi Ulam or the healthy version of it rather. It was good enough for healthy food, I guess. Not an entirely budget place either as this dish can set you back around RM30+.

5. Two Sons Bistro, Solaris Dutamas

Two Sons Bistro now stood where the old Dr. Cafe once was (I cried when this place shut down...sob sob). NIN and I only ventured here for tea, so we didnt order any mains when we came. We have yet to try the other dishes on the menu. Maybe I'll do that later this year.

Lamb meatballs with gravy. Finger licking good.

This is my beef salad (can't remember the proper name). Good but not entirely memorable. The beef was tender and flavourful though.

The restaurant is promising and I'll visit again and give you guys an update.

6. BBQ Chicken, One City (USJ25)

This is the last listing, but was a hidden gem I found wondering around while I was hungry. It's located next to Gloria Jeans Coffee in One City Mall, which is connected to One.City hotel.

Paris Wings, lovely caramelised sauce to accompany it. 

This Jerk Chicken is AMAZING. Come here and order this and nothing else. You know why the picture looks like this? Thats because I had eaten half of it before I remembered that I should have taken a picture. Good things must be shared. Order this, you will not regret it. 

No other pics were taken, because it was all gobbled up. This place is almost always full though, so you may have to wait a little for your food. But I would come here again and again for the Jerk Chicken (adoi terliurr).

Alright readers, do give the places a try and let me know what you think.

Have a good year 2016 ahead from Airiel and I.

Peace and love.

Gravity

"I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. And this is one; I'm going to tell it - but take care not to smile at any part of it..." ~ Emily Bronte

In the name of Allah, the Benevolent, the most Merciful.

At the outset, I must say that this post is about Akif and Aisha...

I have not written about them in so long. And I find not writing makes it heavy. The weight of keeping everything inside, its heavy.

I stumbled along this song, and it immediately gave me flashbacks of my angel son and angel daughter. Sometimes, how you feel, words just fall short. And it takes a song, or its melody to express it for you.

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I still feel you here until the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I've never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me because I'm fragile

When I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

All my fragile strength is gone

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you're everything I think I need

Here on the ground

You're neither friend or foe

Though I can't seem to let you go

One thing that I know

Is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down

You're on to me

On to me

On to me

All over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long..

Mama misses you Akif

Ummi misses you Aisha

More than anyone could know or imagine...

Kinta Riverview Suites, Ipoh

"I suspected that what happens in hotel rooms rarely lasts outside of them. I suspected that when something was a beginning and an ending at the same time, that meant it could only exist in the present.." ~ David Levithan

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Hi readers.

Another weekie update for you guys. I'm chock full of hotel reviews these days!

Anyways.

A month ago or so, we went back to Ipoh and stayed and Kinta Riverview Suites.

Okay, I had to steal the pics off my IG because I have deleted it from my phone.   

Having stayed at so many hotels, I realised I have been become rather picky about the details, because well, I know what I should get for the money I paid.

Anyway. I loved the decor, just look at the bathroom backsplash, rich patterned wallpapers adorning the rooms and comfy, cozy bed.

Check in was fast, staff was friendly, ample parking was available. I had a view of the river, but well, it really was not that great of a view because the river was a shade of teh tarik. But thats not the hotel's fault.

Breakfast was nice, but there was no omelet station so that was kind of sad for Airiel's bonda.  The lift only allows access to your designated floor so it was quite a hassle for me as my family were situated on different floors, including Airiel (Yes he had his own room, little divo).

It's a good choice for Ipoh, so do give it a try if you happen to be in Ipoh.

The week is coming to an end and 2 weeks from now, the year is.

Make it count readers.

Much love from Airiel and I.

Peace and love to everyone.